Federal Government Announces New Oversight Agency

President Barack Obama today announced the creation of a new federal agency, the Agency Against Redundant Procurement (AARP).

The President said, “With debate in the Congress about the purchase of 12 unneeded, unnecessary and unwanted F-22 fighter planes, which I expect will be authorized, it became clear that we need more oversight over all the things the federal government funds or buys but doesn’t need or want. We need to work more closely with Congress to make sure that unnecessary and unwanted government expenditures conform to a set of inexplicable standards and soon-to-developed priorities that covers such pointless and superfluous outflows.” The President stated again his firm commitment toward a balanced budget, noting that it remains one of his highest of utmost priorities.

The news was welcomed by the leadership of both the House and Senate. According to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D. Nev.), “It’s about time we address these unneeded budget-busting expenditures the Congress has foisted on the Administration. I’m opposed to pork-barrel spending and earmarks,” he said, “even though we impose on the Administration the requirement to spend for those legislatively-mandated unneeded projects.” He noted this does not include the attachments to the 2009 Omnibus budget bill that recently authorized $250,000 for the Quagga and Zebra Mussel Prevention Project; the $2 million Guam Brown Tree Snake Management project; the $3 million Marine Mammal Awareness, Alert and Response System; the $2 million Cogongrass Invasive Species Research Project; the $1.5 million Girl Scouts Beyond Bars project; and other similar worthwhile and needed community projects and bridges to nowhere. Sen. Reid noted that while he has always opposed pork-barrel spending, he has never actually seen a pork barrel.

Nancy Pelosi (D. Cal.), Speaker of the House, was actually seen to have broken into a smile upon hearing about the President’s initiative.

The President announced that Michael D. Brown, former director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), will be appointed to head the new Agency Against Redundant Procurement. The president said he expects quick Senate confirmation. Brown came to the attention of the American public when former President George W. Bush commended his performance by stating, “Good job, Brownie.” Prior to joining the FEMA, Brown was the Judges and Stewards Commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association, (IAHA), from 1989-2001. Brown was also an unsuccessful candidate for Congress from Oklahoma in 1988. He ran against Democratic incumbent Glenn English, who had not been challenged in the previous election. English’s well-financed campaign trounced Brown with 122,763 votes against 45,199. After losing, Brown promised to try again in 1990, saying, “I have an excellent chance of prevailing. It’s a Democratic state, but a very Republican district.” In fact, he did not run in 1990, and English beat his Republican opponent, Robert Burns, 110,100 votes to 27,540. From 1982-1988, Brown was the chairman of the board of the Oklahoma Municipal Power Authority. Several power plants were built during his tenure. One hydroelectric plant located at Kaw Reservoir was completed in 1989 and named the Michael D. Brown Hydroelectric Power Plant and Dam in his honor.

At the conclusion of the press conference, the President quoted Lewis Carrol to commemorate this historic event. The President noted that Carroll said, “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”

The President, dribbling a basketball right-handed, did not take questions from the reporters, claiming he was running late for an important meeting.

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